Safe Zones and Awesome Bobby

Let's put ourselves in Bobby's shoes. I hope that a GSA will help educate others and provide a safe zone at school.

The first video is part of the second video but is animation-only. (6 min)

The second video by Hsiang-Hua Wang includes the animation plus explanations by Dr. Kostohryz, Berta Marquez, Adam White, and Kirsten LaMantia. There's additional animation for Bobby's story. (39 min)

May 22 was Harvey Milk Day

I'm a day late, but I thought HM's message was fitting for our goals.

TODAY, though, will also be another day in history: the Boy Scouts of America will vote today to see if they will lift the ban on gay scouts. (Update: They lifted the ban on gay youth. There is still a ban on gay scout leaders.)

Student Letters Part 3

Three more students from our high school have come forward to help support the formation of a GSA. I love their wisdom, optimism, and determination. These honorable students have shared their names for the sake of presenting the letters to the school board, but I have kept their privacy here.

Sophomore

I think that ( ) High School should have a Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA). Everyone seeks acceptance no matter who they are or where they come from. As a LGBTQ student, it can be hard to come out of the closet. If the school had a GSA, students could feel safe and accepted by their peers. The club could help get rid of harassment, allowing students to thrive. There will always be students who want to help each other, so let's give them the opportunity. Whether they are gay or straight, everyone should have a voice and feel safe in their own school.

Junior
(I wrote a paragraph! I hope it works for what you need. Let me know if you need any more help with this. I would truly love to see this happen, and I am excited for it to work!)

I think the creation of a Gay Straight Alliance at our school is an excellent and inspiring goal. The mission of GSA is to promote tolerance, communication, and respect, and that is something that every school in this nation needs more of. As a Mormon, I am not the strongest proponent of gay rights; however, as a human being, I am the strongest supporter of expressing love and kindness toward all people, regardless of sexual orientation or gender expression. Homophobia is dangerous for all people in society; as a straight female who has been teased and harassed for "looking" like a lesbian, I can personally testify to that. With a GSA on campus, students could gather to discuss their fear, confusion, and questions about homosexuality in a safe environment. I used to be terrified of homosexuality; now, after safe and accepting exposure to the issue, I am best friends with a homosexual boy and a bisexual girl. Learning to love them has helped me to love myself and be more comfortable with my own sexual and gender identity. A Gay Straight Alliance is the first step toward helping all students, all people, feel comfortable in their own self and show respect for everyone else. It is the first step toward a decrease in bullying and an increase in friendships. It is the first step toward an environment where "lesbian" will no longer be a mean-spirited name.
 
Junior
I think it would give the environment at ( ) High a more welcome and more honest feeling. We could convey even more school pride by standing by one another, with little to no prejudice in our hearts. Of course, I want to be in every step of this, from square one to finish. And if we succeed, then it will be my new goal to spread out to other schools.

Photo credit: vibrakeys dot com

Thank You Cards

I believe it's important to show the students appreciation for the time they took to write those letters (see labels "Student Letters"), so I hand-wrote a thank you card to each. Their contribution is valuable as they help trailblaze a path to a GSA not only for themselves but also for other youth who could benefit from it.

Closets are for Clothes

My friends, Mama Dragon and Unicorn, Meg and Jon.

This blog is intended to show the steps to forming a GSA.  I also want to show the why's.

I love this family. 

During the past week and a half, my LDS friends sent out two letters revealing their son was gay. The first was sent to their entire ward, the second to their social network friends.  These are very touching, uplifting stories. I love their Mama and Papa Dragon stance.  Jon's school doesn't know, yet, but wouldn't it be wonderful if there was a GSA in place for him, his allies, and anyone else seeking understanding?

Jake writes in their blog (link below): "But this is not their fault.  It’s ours.  It’s even mine. I have contributed to this culture of hate.  Not because I hate but because I didn't understand."

Here's the letter to their ward, it begins with an intro to Mormons Building Bridges:
4-29-13

Jake Abhau
We have decided to come out to the members of our ward. We drafted an email and sent it. We're holding tight now and waiting for responses. Wish us luck. This is the first step in many in an effort to change the way the world views the most beautiful people in the world. Here is the email:

Dearest Brothers and Sisters of the Morrisville Ward (and beyond),

It is with an extremely happy, yet somber heart that I come to you with news that has recently rocked our world. Some of you may know us better than others while some may just know who we are. Either way, you all need to hear this. After much debate, prayer, and love, we have decided to let the members of this ward know that our loving son, Jon, is gay. He knows it. We know it and there is no question about it. Also, you need to know that this is not a choice he has made. This is something that he has realized about himself over time. You can imagine that this has been an incredibly emotional time for us in our home. Our hearts have doubled in size and we have been reading/researching as much information as we possibly can. I can honestly say that this has been a blessing as our hearts have been filled with love and compassion in a way we never could have imagined. You also should know that the decision to let people in the ward know has not been taken lightly but we feel it necessary to let you in.

For those of you who know Jon, you know that he is one of the most kind-hearted individuals you may have known. He is the same Jon as he was yesterday and will be the same Jon tomorrow. He loves the gospel and loves his family and friends. He also knows he was made this way for a greater purpose.

We would hope that (for those of you who have mature children at home) you would begin a loving discussion with them this week about acceptance of gays and let them know that Jon is still Jon. Jon wants people to know. When he told us, he made it clear that he knew he could help other teens who are like him, struggling with a similar path.

Teen suicide rate for gays and lesbians is 5 times higher than any heterosexual teen. And, it is the 3rd leading cause of teenage deaths in our country. However, in Utah, where the people are predominantly Mormon, it is the #1 cause of death. Also, 75% of teen suicides are slated as being a direct result of the shame, guilt, and non-acceptance of being gay. Jon will do anything to help prevent these deaths from happening to people like him; as I assume most of us would. However, the pressures that the gospel can put on a gay youth are incomprehensible to those of us who are not this way. Miraculously, Jon doesn't feel this way. He doesn't hold the shame, guilt, and suicidal tendencies that other gay teens carry. He is literally one of a kind in this regard. Out of thousands, we have been unable to find any examples of this in the LGBT world (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender). We don't know why this is but we do recognize how unique it is. He is a unicorn; the rarest, yet most beautiful, creature on earth. And we have been given the privilege, as our only child, to raise him.

As you can see, there are incredible potential dangers in keeping this in, especially as a gay Mormon teen. The closet is not a safe place for Jon. He has one of the sweetest spirits of any one we know. To put him in a situation where that could be jeopardized is unthinkable. Having said this, we (and he) understand the potential repercussions of "coming out" and no matter the amount of physical or verbal abuse he receives over his lifetime. None of it will compare to the darkness that exists in the black cloud that is the "closet." Being in the closet is lonely and miserable and is the seed of depression. It can change the sweetest person on the planet into something unnatural and unintended by God. The closet is NOT a place for ANY gay person. And this certainly does not preclude our Jon. In fact, out of the many gay people we have met (hundreds), they all agree that coming out was the best decision they’ve made in their life.

These are some of the reasons that we want people to know. He wants other Gay Mormons to know that there is still hope for a wonderful, accepted life. There is a path that Heavenly Father has prepared for these people. Meg and I have massive amounts of resources on this topic and are happy to share with any of you that may be interested.

Jon is a worthy priesthood holder. He will continue to pass the sacrament, collect fast offerings, and attend the temple. Nothing has changed with him. Just as before, we expect him to hold the same standards of the gospel as any youth. He has, however, stated that he desires "to be a beacon of hope and light for those who may find themselves in darkness (these are his words, not ours)."

The Abhau home is a house of safety and confidence. We welcome questions about anything that we have learned. If you feel the need to reach out to us, please know that any of your questions will be held in the highest level of confidence and there will be no judgment. The bishop has also said that his door will be open to those who have questions if you are not comfortable speaking with us.

We do not expect anything from any of you except the Christ-like charity that God, himself, gives. We also respectfully ask that, for now, you keep the topic of this conversation within the walls of your family as this is not something that is known at school yet. Please convey that to your children. Jon is happy to discuss his feelings with his friends in the ward. But if you (as parents) have questions, we would request that you address those to us so we can filter where we feel appropriate. Jon is incredibly mature about this and has been blessed with a level of comprehension that we can't understand.

We also welcome your response to this email. We expect an outpouring of love from most of you but also realize that some may not be as prepared as others and will need more time to process this.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and we look forward to the incredible journey that is ahead. We also welcome each of you to be part of that journey.
******

5-8-13
The second letter to their social media friends (and more) can be seen here as the first post of their blog, Perspective, they began yesterday: 
Closets are for Clothes. (<< click there and not on image)

Photo credit: sfcitizen dot com

Letter to Our Stake and Ward Leaders

It's the Sabbath.

Moments ago, I sent the following letter to our stake and ward leaders introducing the Family Acceptance Project booklet.  At first I was just going to send it to 3 bishops I personally knew and my stake president, but then I thought, "Why stop there?" I included all the bishoprics and RS presidencies in my stake... about 35 in all.

I hope it helps someone.  I admit, for some reason I was a little nervous.  Would there be retaliation? Then I felt a peace to continue and to give my brothers and sisters more credit than that.  I also hope this lays some ground work for the GSA by bringing in awareness.

I also found out today there was another gay youth suicide in our town last week.  I don't know any of the details, and I need to be careful to not judge the cause-and-affect, but it's tragic.

Here's the letter:

Dear Leaders of the ( ) Stake,

Hello. I am a member of the ( ) Ward, Mormons Building Bridges, and an ally to the LGBTQ community.  I come to you with a humble heart.

I am contacting you because you may be in a position to help families whose child has come out as LGBTQ.  This is a sensitive subject that could easily destroy families and marginalize the child. Caitlin Ryan, PhD,  and Robert Rees, PhD, have an evidence-based family education resource for LDS families called Family Acceptance Project. I have given you the PDF link to this booklet but am happy to provide a hard copy. This has been recently published and given the Gold "Best Practice for Suicide Prevention" seal from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

Dr. Ryan will be receiving the John E. Fryer Award from the American Psychiatric Association (APA) May 18, 2013 for her major contributions to the mental health and well-being of LGBT people. This award follows other awards she has been given during her 40 years of work in this area. From the contact I've had with her, I find her very dedicated.

Two to seven percent of our population identify as LGBT**. Statistically speaking, if you have 100 children in your congregation's primary and YM/YW, 2-7 of them may be LGBT. The odds are that someone that I'm mailing this info to will be face-to-face with one of these beautiful kids and their families. The info provided will help keep these families together and the children thriving.

Currently, there are about 330 homeless LDS LGBT children ages from 11 - 17 in Salt Lake County alone, kicked out for being LGBT or just looking LGBT.*  In Utah, suicide is the number one cause of death amongst particularly LDS LGBTQ youth.

While there may be misunderstandings of what LGBT is and isn't, our church on its mormonsandgays website says, "What is changing -- and needs to change -- is to help Church members respond sensitively and thoughtfully when they encounter same-sex attraction in their own families, among other Church members, or elsewhere."  Elder Quentin L. Cook says, "As a church, nobody should be more loving and compassionate. Let us be at the forefront in terms of expressing love, compassion and outreach. Let's not have families exclude or be disrespectful of those who choose a different lifestyle as a result of their feelings about their own gender."

By providing this booklet, this is my way of "expressing love, compassion and outreach."  I hope this reaches you on this beautiful Sabbath. Thank you for the service you provide in your callings.

Link: Family Acceptance Project's Supportive Families, Healthy Children: Helping Latter-day Saint Families with Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Children.

Sincerely,

(Me)

Neighbor and friend

*Ogden OUTreach (who helps homeless youth) has launched a program called "Safe and Sound" to help prevent LGBT youth from becoming homeless in the first place. This program would be a wonderful service project if you are looking for ideas.

**The data is actually just for LGB and not T. If it included T, then the numbers would be much higher.

Photo Credit: chevrefeuillescarpediem

Alumni Letter

My friend and neighbor is an alumnus of our high school and has graciously added a letter of support (emphasis mine):

To Whom It May Concern:

I'm an alumnus of (our school) High who would have greatly benefited from the solid presence of a safe space for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender students.  I heard I had the opportunity to write and add my voice to those asking for the support of the administration in the creation of a student-run gay-straight alliance at dear, old ( ) High.

In high school, I came to a more solid articulation of my attractions for women.

photo credit: minnpost.com

I did not tell anyone.  Really, there wasn't much to tell.  I wanted to flirt, to hold hands, to date, to exchange mix tapes and maybe even kiss.  I was 17, for goodness' sake.  Unfortunately, I grew up in a culture that fed a lot of dread and guilt into anything that had to do with my healthy attractions.  I was severely depressed and suicidal, but I was alone.  I had no one I could approach and ask questions or work through my thoughts.

I graduated six years ago and was a student when the GSA at Provo High was in the news.  What I didn't know then was that I was vastly undereducated about the subject of sexual orientation and the concept of what someone my age might be struggling with who feel attracted to the same sex or have gender dysphoria.  I was so undereducated, I couldn't even have a concept to figure out what I was feeling! I have since benefited from a safe space, where supportive and loving straight, gay, and trans people could come together and learn about each other and try to be the best support they could be.

  

Gay people, especially gay teens, have a dismally difficult time finding safe spaces. Often, they don't even have a place to think out what they want or learn enough about sexual orientation to understand themselves.  It is a terrible secret to hold.  This leads to many suicides, teenagers who self-harm, and students who are severely depressed.  

Homophobia is a wide-spread problem, especially in our schools.  I personally witnessed students bullying gay teens and bullying straight teens by using gay slurs.  Even though no one knew I was gay or trans, I knew it would not be safe for me to bring up my teenage attractions for women.

GSA's provide safe spaces for discussion, education and support.  The first two benefit all students involved.  The last particularly benefits lgbt students looking for acceptance.  Education is key.  When I left high school, I had been taught that homosexuality was spuriously removed from the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) and to continue to consider it as a psychological sex and gender disorder.  I was taught that people identifying as a different gender than their birth sex were delusional.  I heard, "that's gay", "faggot" and gay jokes all through high school from students and teachers.  The suicides of gay youth were used as evidence that homosexuality bred mental illness.  I didn't know that the APA (American Psychological Association) supported transgender people in their identities.  I didn't know that homosexuality had been found to be practically identical to heterosexuality outside of social and cultural pressure and discrimination.  I didn't know that gay people could be happy.  There was no true education for me, in this place of education.    For more education:  http://gsanetwork.org/resources/research-reports/national-research

Photo credit: truthdig.com

Had I a GSA in the high school when I attended, it would not have meant I wouldn't experience harassment or rejection.  It would have meant that I would have had a place to go for voices like mine to support me in this harassment and rejection.  This would have been an invaluable support to me and I believe it will be an invaluable support to those students in your halls that are lgbt.  

Thank you,

Student Letters Part 2

My awesome neighbor has rallied more letters from her high school classmates. Again, they have proudly put their names to their letters as they stand up for what is right, but I will keep their privacy here:

(Junior)
Validation to  support (our high school) approving a Gay-Straight Alliance: The initial argument against the approval for a GSA at ( )HS stems from the very thing GSA advocates against: fear. Fear of unacceptance. A GSA does more than just serve the closeted athlete from the feeling of regret and loneliness: a GSA serves the straight individuals. A GSA displays there is no need to fear the LGBTQ community. A GSA brakes the silence and allows the conversation to come out of the closet (literally). A GSA allows the straight, close-minded individuals to come ask questions of the LGBTQ community. A GSA works to end the ignorance and save lives of the those who have never felt more alone. As a president of the GSA at my former hight school, I have seen first hand all the positive effects on a school through the GSA. Utah has one of the highest teen suicide rates, and when 6 out of every 10 LGBTQ youth feel threatened at their own school, an institution dedicated to education, something needs to change.  And that is why ( )HS needs a GSA.

(Senior)
I believe we should have a Gay-Straight Alliance. This can help with making people more comfortable to those not accepting to the idea.  Also it will give us gays more support and just a better feeling about our surroundings. Also, with with alliance, gays can know that there are others out there that are going through the same thing they are. Going through (high school initials) high I wished we had a club like this. I went through this school for a while thinking I was alone, but it wasn't until this year that I found out I have people who are okay with this and that other gays are out there.

(Junior)
To whom it may concern: I definitely am in full-support of a Gay-Straight Alliance at (our high school).  With the current events in our world today, the subject of equality has triggered a great deal of emotion, especially in this younger generation.  the biggest problem we see is the bullying. Kids bully when they don't understand, when they only listen to the negative comments that they hear throughout school and in the media. I think that the most important goal of a Gay-Straight Alliance is to advocate a safe and accepting school atmosphere, no matter your race, gender, religion, or sexual orientation. A Gay-Straight Alliance would create a place where students can go and feel accepted. A club like this can transform our school in a very positive way and develop student leaders that will make a better tomorrow. Please consider forming a Gay-Straight Alliance at our school.  At the very least it would make our school a more-welcoming place for everyone. Thank you for your time.

(Junior)
Having a gay-straight alliance club at (our high school) is an absolutely fantastic idea. A lot of kids at the school don't understand their own sexuality, let alone their homosexual classmates'. Regardless of sexuality, it's always good to be able to come together with your peers in a safe, accepting environment. Gay rights are human rights; there is no difference, and it's important to spread that message, especially to young people.

I am touched by their wisdom and maturity. 

I was searching images of rainbows when I came across this.
The droplets made me think about each of these students'
efforts to come together to form that "ripple of hope" (JFK) and
bring the topic of LGBTQ out of darkness and fear.
(image credit: PenguinLamp, changedesktop.com)