I was recently asked via email about why I left The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (aka Mormons, LDS). I'd like to keep my reply to my friend here along with similar posts.
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[....]Trust is actually a big part of it. In my resignation letter I wrote something like, “The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as an entity is neither kind nor honest” and [my daughter] added in hers, “I no longer trust what comes from headquarters.”
I was probably too open-minded when I joined the church. I grew up in a non-denominational Christian home and raised with a hippy-Jesus concept, so-to-speak: kindness, helping others, peace, love, and challenging the establishment. I was taught scripture stories were symbolic not literal. In college, I took elective classes about various religions and learned that nearly all had their own mystical story of origins (which are fun for story-telling and not to take literally). And, my father always taught me, “Take what you can from it, and leave the rest,” meaning, you can learn something from anyone, but you don’t have to accept all of it if it doesn’t feel right.”
That’s the background I brought with me to the table when I joined the church. I was more interested in what the church was currently doing, and I liked a lot of what I saw on the surface. Joining seemed important to my husband, and I’m like, “Hey! New adventure!” I chose to believe that Joseph Smith was an inspired leader... maybe a little crazy, but inspired...(and inspired to write the BofM). {Isn’t it amazing how we make our brains bypass logic to make things “fit”}?
The catalyst for my exit out was when I began seeing the hateful behaviors members had towards gay people and soon became very aware of the dark side of the church and its practices to marginalize groups of people. I thought I would do what I could to make the church better which included becoming a very strong activist for LGBTQ+ rights... especially for the youth who were so vulnerable and had high rates of suicide. I naively thought that once leaders and members were presented with objective, evidence-based information that they would do the right thing and stop the damaging rhetoric over the pulpit attacking gay people and their families. (smh) Instead, all of my work just exposed the irrational Fear in the church. I was “red-pilled” and realized its foundation was rooted in fear. Doctrine, policies, structure, culture, many teachings, many hymnals (even children’s hymns) I began to realize were rooted in fear. I was being told left and right that we don’t question leaders, they were the mouth pieces for god (to say No to an authority was like saying No to god). Doubt your doubts! Having a question is okay, but you must accept the leader’s answer.... if you don’t, then you’re not aligned with the spirit like he is. One man spoke up in class and said, “When the bishop tells me to do something, I do it, because he’s the lord’s servant.” The lady I visit-taught sent me 4-5 pages of scriptures and lesson material links about not questioning leaders and how to sustain them even if I don’t like their message!
I joined the church because I thought it was love-based. It’s not. It’s fear-based. And, a church that requires the use of fear to control its members couldn’t possibly be the true church. The lengths in which leadership has gone through to extend church control over members’ behavior/information/thoughts/
I had a conversation with a neighbor who was a former bishop and told me god’s love WAS conditional, and he was justifying it as a good thing. [The conversation started with me telling him that I’m not a perfect parent, but I would want my kids with me no matter what: “clean” or “unclean,” and I would never require payment for them to be with me - even if they owed me money - nor would I require the torture and sacrifice of my oldest son just so my other kids could be with me. Therefore, if my love for them as an imperfect parent is unconditional, wouldn’t Heavenly Father, who is perfect, have perfect unconditional love for his children (us)? According to this former bishop, apparently not.} Okay, well, you can keep Him and Kolob, I don’t want to be around that mentality.
Going to church was becoming very difficult. I’d be sitting in the pews deep-breathing and meditating just to get through it. I was also a Sunday school teacher for the 14-15 y.o.s and would really dive into the lessons. Not only would I learn the sanitized version of the lesson in the manual, but I would read all of the surrounding scriptures for complete context (magnifying my calling!). That particular year was the Old Testament. That is some horrific stuff, and Abrahamic-god-based religions use it to control and hurt others. The LDS Church was no exception. I got to the point where I couldn’t have my name support this corporation anymore. I couldn’t support the concept of god anymore, either.
(UGH!! I’m getting all worked up just writing about this) [...]
Another reason we don’t tell true-believers why we left is self-preservation. We’ll speak up when necessary; otherwise, it doesn’t serve our well-being emotionally. I have to protect my kids. [My youngest son] got the worst of it from his “friends” in the neighborhood... and that’s from us NOT saying anything.
There’s more detail about my leaving-the-church story in these couple of links. One is my reply to my bishop and the other is my reply to Stake President Jones’s letter. The links take you to my brief and inactive blog that was originally set up to document how to start a Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) club. (I and some AFHS students started the first GSA in the Alpine School District and used the blog to help other schools start theirs). Now I just keep some documents there.
To my bishop:
To Pres. Jones:
Some of my beliefs have changed since these letters. I was still believing in Heavenly Father at that time. Also, in the one to Jones, I said I was pro-chastity. I cringed when I re-read that. I don’t even like that word now and the shame-inducing intention behind it. I’d like to change that to pro-consent (married or not).
You might like this more light-hearted post (you know, because I haven’t given you enough to read)
, particularly it’s conclusion.
*This is a link to Steve Hassan's B.I.T.E. Model used to evaluate high-demand groups. B.I.T.E. stands for Behavior Control, Information Control, Thought Control, and Emotion Control. https://freedomofmind.com/bite-model/
