Why I Left

I was recently asked via email about why I left The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (aka Mormons, LDS). I'd like to keep my reply to my friend here along with similar posts.

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[....]Trust is actually a big part of it. In my resignation letter I wrote something like, “The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as an entity is neither kind nor honest” and [my daughter] added in hers, “I no longer trust what comes from headquarters.”

I was probably too open-minded when I joined the church. I grew up in a non-denominational Christian home and raised with a hippy-Jesus concept, so-to-speak: kindness, helping others, peace, love, and challenging the establishment. I was taught scripture stories were symbolic not literal. In college, I took elective classes about various religions and learned that nearly all had their own  mystical story of origins (which are fun for story-telling and not to take literally). And, my father always taught me, “Take what you can from it, and leave the rest,” meaning, you can learn something from anyone, but you don’t have to accept all of it if it doesn’t feel right.”

That’s the background I brought with me to the table when I joined the church. I was more interested in what the church was currently doing, and I liked a lot of what I saw on the surface. Joining seemed important to my husband, and I’m like, “Hey! New adventure!” I chose to believe that Joseph Smith was an inspired leader... maybe a little crazy, but inspired...(and inspired to write the BofM). {Isn’t it amazing how we make our brains bypass logic to make things “fit”}?

The catalyst for my exit out was when I began seeing the hateful behaviors members had towards gay people and soon became very aware of the dark side of the church and its practices to marginalize groups of people. I thought I would do what I could to make the church better which included becoming a very strong activist for LGBTQ+ rights... especially for the youth who were so vulnerable and had high rates of suicide. I naively thought that once leaders and members were presented with objective, evidence-based information that they would do the right thing and stop the damaging rhetoric over the pulpit attacking gay people and their families. (smh) Instead, all of my work just exposed the irrational Fear in the church. I was “red-pilled” and realized its foundation was rooted in fear. Doctrine, policies, structure, culture, many teachings, many hymnals (even children’s hymns) I began to realize were rooted in fear. I was being told left and right that we don’t question leaders, they were the mouth pieces for god (to say No to an authority was like saying No to god). Doubt your doubts! Having a question is okay, but you must accept the leader’s answer.... if you don’t, then you’re not aligned with the spirit like he is. One man spoke up in class and said, “When the bishop tells me to do something, I do it, because he’s the lord’s servant.” The lady I visit-taught sent me 4-5 pages of scriptures and lesson material links about not questioning leaders and how to sustain them even if I don’t like their message! 

I joined the church because I thought it was love-based. It’s not. It’s fear-based. And, a church that requires the use of fear to control its members couldn’t possibly be the true church. The lengths in which leadership has gone through to  extend church control over members’ behavior/information/thoughts/emotions is gut-wrenching.* 

I had a conversation with a neighbor who was a former bishop and told me god’s love WAS conditional, and he was justifying it as a good thing. [The conversation started with me telling him that I’m not a perfect parent, but I would want my kids with me no matter what: “clean” or “unclean,” and I would never require payment for them to be with me - even if they owed me money - nor would I require the torture and sacrifice of my oldest son just so my other kids could be with me. Therefore, if my love for them as an imperfect parent is unconditional, wouldn’t Heavenly Father, who is perfect, have perfect unconditional love for his children (us)? According to this former bishop, apparently not.}  Okay, well, you can keep Him and Kolob, I don’t want to be around that mentality.

Going to church was becoming very difficult. I’d be sitting in the pews deep-breathing and meditating just to get through it. I was also a Sunday school teacher for the 14-15 y.o.s and would really dive into the lessons. Not only would I learn the sanitized version of the lesson in the manual, but I would read all of the surrounding scriptures for complete context (magnifying my calling!). That particular year was the Old Testament. That is some horrific stuff, and Abrahamic-god-based religions use it to control and hurt others. The LDS Church was no exception. I got to the point where I couldn’t have my name support this corporation anymore. I couldn’t support the concept of god anymore, either.

(UGH!! I’m getting all worked up just writing about this) [...]

Another reason we don’t tell true-believers why we left is self-preservation. We’ll speak up when necessary; otherwise, it doesn’t serve our well-being emotionally. I have to protect my kids. [My youngest son] got the worst of it from his “friends”  in the neighborhood... and that’s from us NOT saying anything.

There’s more detail about my leaving-the-church story in these couple of links. One is my reply to my bishop and the other is my reply to Stake President Jones’s letter. The links take you to my brief and inactive blog that was originally set up to document how to start a Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) club. (I and some AFHS students started the first GSA in the Alpine School District and used the blog to help other schools start theirs). Now I just keep some documents there. 

To my bishop:

http://myeagleprojectjourney.blogspot.com/2015/07/my-reply-to-my-bishops-nice-letter.html?m=1

To Pres. Jones:

http://myeagleprojectjourney.blogspot.com/2015/07/my-reply-to-my-stake-president-11.html?m=1 

Some of my beliefs have changed since these letters. I was still believing in Heavenly Father at that time. Also, in the one to Jones, I said I was pro-chastity. I cringed when I re-read that. I don’t even like that word now and the shame-inducing intention behind it. I’d like to change that to pro-consent (married or not).

You might like this more light-hearted post (you know, because I haven’t given you enough to read), particularly it’s conclusion. 

http://myeagleprojectjourney.blogspot.com/2015/10/brief-history-concept-of.html?m=1

*This is a link to Steve Hassan's B.I.T.E. Model used to evaluate high-demand groups. B.I.T.E. stands for Behavior Control, Information Control, Thought Control, and Emotion Control. https://freedomofmind.com/bite-model/

My Reply to My Bishop's Nice Letter Trying to Get Me to Stay an LDS Member

01-08-15

Dear Bishop [   ],

Hello, Happy New Year. Thank you for your letter. I imagine it must be confusing to issue a temple recommend to me at the beginning of the year only to then have to complete paperwork for my leaving the church altogether nearly a year later. I was your first TR interview, and I imagine I’m your first name removal.

The decision came with great consideration. I really tried to reconcile the cognitive dissonance which was building up the past couple of years. I even gave Joseph Smith the benefit of the doubt that he was at least a fallen prophet, someone who was chosen by God and greatly inspired yet got too big for his britches when he became more powerful.

I was a convert. I loved the church I thought I had joined. I had a testimony of the BofM. I really wanted to raise my kids in the Church. When [    ] was a baby, I was already proudly picturing him as a missionary. I was all in. And, I dutifully avoided any material that would be considered anti-Mormon. Along the way, though, some Church behaviors and teachings began sending up red flags. But, I would “put it on a shelf” and endure.

It may have crossed your mind that I’m leaving because of the way the Church has treated gay people. That’s not the reason, but it is a catalyst along with how the Church treats minorities, women, and others who don’t fit the box as well as the mentality of never questioning a leader or saying no to him. I was also very concerned how the general authority seem to have all this power without any accountability. During the past summer, this thought came into my head, “When people use God as an excuse to hurt/manipulate others and say they have the authority to do so, you need to take a closer look at the foundation of that authority before continuing in any direction.” Truth can withstand questioning. So I questioned. I investigated. The conclusion is that I have been lied to. I no longer trust what comes from headquarters.

As a side story, my first husband had a cocaine habit. I have never seen cocaine in my life, but it certainly explained the disappearance of money, his nose bleeds, and sleepless nights. When I found out about his weakness, I stuck by him. We also went to marriage therapy for nearly a year. Then I began catching him in lies, big and small. Even our therapist was angry with him for wasting everyone’s time and money. I divorced him. There is no future for a relationship when there is deception. Trust is important.

I’m not leaving the Church because I want to start drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, cheat on my husband, begin watching porn, Satan got to me, or any of the other excuses members tell themselves as to why anyone would ever leave. I simply don’t believe in the Church’s version of the gospel anymore. I don’t believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet (not even a fallen one). I don’t believe in the “restoration” of the priesthood. I don’t believe that temple ordinances are necessary to get into heaven. I don’t believe in The Book of Mormon. To keep my integrity in tact, I must resign my membership. Some people have suggested I stay and try to help the Church be better from the inside. Ethically, I can’t do that. I’m not going to pretend.

The LDS Church may benefit from following the footsteps of the Reorganized LDS Church, now the Community of Christ. The CofC have embraced their history and foundation instead of hiding it, whitewashing it, rewriting it, and bullying others from learning about it. They have taken responsibility, and instead of throwing everything away, they have kept the good, emphasizing Jesus instead of man. They have rebuilt on a foundation based on the Bible, the Trinity, love, kindness, and humanity. I would be interested in attending their church if it was more accessible. 

Now, if the LDS Church were to all-of-a-sudden come clean, admit the deceptions, become transparent, apologize for all behaviors past and present, plan restitutions, and make Christ's Biblical examples more important than Church leaders, then I may consider staying a member. 

I have no intention of pulling others away nor sharing what I know (except with my kids). I only touch on it with you because of this situation and your position. I have strictly explained to my children to not tell their friends, either. It’s not our place to do so. I have compassion for the heartache it causes (as I’ve experienced), and don’t want to be the initial source of that heartache. If someone were to ask, I would say the Church just isn’t for me. Let them assume what they want about me. However, I’m the same, kind person (but happier).

I am concerned about how my children will be treated; there’s so much negativity about those who leave the Church. [Your daughter] has been such a nice friend to [my daughter]. [My daughter] even told me last week that [she] is her closest friend. [My daughter] has asked me to take her shopping today for [your daughter's] birthday gift. :) I hope [she] feels the same way and isn’t just being a member-missionary towards [my daughter].

Thank you for extending the invitation that I am more-than-welcome to attend church meetings, etc. I do hope to someday when I’m ready. There is much I miss and people there I love. 

Sincerely,

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When the items you have dutifully "put on a shelf" until you can ask about them in the afterlife become too heavy, when the cognitive dissonance causes you to ignore your own intuition and intelligence, and when you realize that your doubts shouldn't be doubted because they are actually forms of personal protection, please give yourself permission to read the objective information at mormonthink.com and cesletter.com  These are sites that will take LDS Church topics (current and past) and objectively look at both sides with verifiable resources (including Church resources).

From mormonthink.com home page:
"MormonThink is concerned with truth. As such, we attempt to correct misinformation about the LDS Church made by critics and defenders of the faith (including the Church itself). We present a range of perspectives and viewpoints, privileging those we believe are the most accurate, consistent and empirically valid."

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My Letter of Resignation from the LDS Church and Worthiness Interviews with Children

October 28, 2014

Member Records Division, LDS Church

50 E North Temple, Room 1372

SLC UT 84150-5310 

This letter is my formal resignation from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and it is effective immediately. Please remove the following name permanently and completely from the membership rolls of the church: 

[my name]

DOB: [   ]

Record Number [   ]

Also, waive the 30-day waiting/holding period. I am aware that the Church handbook says that resignations cancel the effects of baptism and suspends temple sealings and blessings. I continue to hold my baptism dear and reverently, but that is between God and me. I do not need the LDS Church’s recognition of it.

The LDS Church, as an entity, is neither kind nor honest.

There is to be no formal church contact/“fellowshipping”/missionary work with me. I still care for my LDS neighbors and hope to socialize and contribute in real service projects together.

The following isn’t the reason for leaving, but in case I have an audience, please, if you care at all about children and respect them, stop the one-on-one “worthiness” interviews with them. It is inappropriate for adults to be alone with other people’s children behind closed doors. And it’s even more inappropriate for those adults to ask personal questions to the children/youth (children often leave mortified). There is a reason why there is mandatory two-deep personages in the BSA, doctor’s offices, and schools, etc.: there are predators everywhere who take advantage of children. The LDS Church is no exception. One-on-one interviews give opportunity for ecclesiastical abuses, intimidation, and manipulation (whether intentional or unintentional) especially in the LDS church where children are indoctrinated to never say no to a leader, that he is the mouth-piece for God, and will never lead anyone astray. The church protects priesthood leaders more than they protect children.

I look forward to the final termination/confirmation letter from your offices.

Please send to:  [my address]

Most seriously,

________________________________

As of October 31, 2014, I legally was no longer a member of the LDS Church. It took a little longer for the Church to complete their own paperwork, but once they receive my letter in the mail, it was final. This website for the name removal process was very helpful: Mormon No More

When the items you have dutifully "put on a shelf" until you can ask about them in the afterlife become too heavy, when the cognitive dissonance causes you to ignore your own intuition and intelligence, and when you realize that your doubts shouldn't be doubted because they are actually forms of personal protection, please give yourself permission to read the objective information at mormonthink.com and cesletter.com  These are sites that will take LDS Church topics (current and past) and objectively look at both sides with verifiable resources (including Church resources).

From mormonthink.com home page:
"MormonThink is concerned with truth. As such, we attempt to correct misinformation about the LDS Church made by critics and defenders of the faith (including the Church itself). We present a range of perspectives and viewpoints, privileging those we believe are the most accurate, consistent and empirically valid."

The Community of Christ (formerly the Reformed LDS Church) shares the same founding history as the mainstream LDS Church, but their approach to the information found on these websites is vastly different. They embrace their history instead of trying to hide it or whitewash it or bully those who question it. They feel no need to dissolve their church. Rather, they take the good of it and make it better through their honesty.

Photo Credit: edenwithin.wordpress.com