"The Bad is So Destructive" Reply

During an online discussion, I had made this comment, "And once my own eyes were opened, I could finally see why the LDS Church is considered a cult. Unfortunate. There are good things to the group, but when the bad is so destructive, it's hard to even want the good of it anymore."

I was then asked, "Will you tell us what you are referring to when you say, the bad is so destructive??"

This was my reply:

Let’s begin with how destructive DISHONESTY is. Without trust, there is no healthy relationship from which to grow including a relationship with a church. Truth can withstand questioning. When leaders say “some truths are not very useful” and are not “faith promoting," “milk before meat,” “never criticize a leader even if the criticism is true," when vaults close, when evidence is hidden, when faithful historians are excommunicated for presenting truth, when organizations like FAIR and FARMS need to be created << those should send up some serious red flags that HQ are not trustworthy. For issue-specific dishonesty, go to these very objective sites: mormonthink.com and cesletter.com

INDOCTRINATING children from infancy that the leaders will never lead them astray, to never say no to a leader, and that the leaders are speaking for God, and therefore, saying no to a leader is like saying no to God are destructive. This teaches children to ignore their own instincts. They become adults who put a lot of things “on the shelf” and suffer with cognitive dissonance in order to remain “worthy” aka “good enough.” This also compels good people to do bad things (like supporting measures that take people’s rights away — blacks, women, LGBTQ+, children).

MISINFORMATION is destructive. Historically, misinformation about origins of dark skin and how to treat those with dark skin were destructive. Currently, misinformation about gay people, what gay is and what gay isn’t, has had grave results: broken families, conversion therapy (including shock treatment), shunning, excommunication, homelessness, mixed-orientation marriage. Which in turn may lead the rejected to unhealthy relationships, drug abuse, homelessness, and desperate measures. The Church finally recognizes that “gay” is neither a choice nor an illness…misinformation they used to teach. 

But the aftermath of those false-teachings continue. As a GSA Mom, I see that first hand as LDS parents today struggle with accepting their gay child. As a Mama Dragon (those who protect their own LGBTQ+ kid or others’ kids—like I do), I see parents of LGBTQ+ kids realize that what they’ve been taught their whole lives about “homosexuality” is NOT the reality before them. I am also very much aware of the lives lost and families broken when LDS members chose loyalty to a leader's misguided ideals (thinking they are God's ideals) over their LGBTQ+ loved one's best interest.

Taking ACTION BASED ON MISINFORMATION is destructive. 

Using GOD AS AN EXCUSE to hurt and manipulate others, suppress civil rights of blacks, women, and LGBTQ+ is destructive.

MANIPULATING others to take action via that misinformation, too, is destructive.

LABELING those with honest questions as "unfaithful" or "apostate" is destructive.

OMITTING important information from missionary discussions to obtain converts like me is destructive. Example of topics omitted: translation method (rock and hat), polygamy (the Church still practices it through sealings and “heaven”), many gods, and how the “First Vision” is really the third version of the evolving vision.  

[A great book in addition to the sites above is Jim Whitefield’s The Mormon Delusion: The Mormon Missionary Lessons - A Conspiracy to Deceive. If a member’s first reaction to me mentioning that book is, “Oh, that’s anti-mormon material. I must not read it. It may hurt my testimony,” I would reply that that type of reaction is a well-trained reaction, a cult-like behavior. Also I’d say truth can withstand questioning. If a testimony is founded on truth, there is nothing to fear. But, I can understand the fear of discovering a testimony has been built on provable lies. There’s the fear of having to take action or continuing to live in cognitive dissonance. Taking action can be scary].

INAPPROPRIATE WORTHINESS INTERVIEWS with children/youth has many cases of being devastatingly destructive (support groups have been formed). Yes, many members leave interviews unscathed, but so many leave these interviews mortified especially when asked if they masturbate. It’s “bishop roulette.” Leaders should NEVER be alone with someone else’s children. There’s a reason for 2-deep personage in schools, dr.’s ofc, scouts, etc. One-on-one interviews must cease. There are no background checks for leaders. Historically, priesthood holders have been protected when accusations about abuse has been raised.

CHASTISING girls to not be "walking porn" and making them responsible for keeping a priesthood holder's virtue intact is destructive. Modesty is one thing, but giving youth a complex about their body and sexuality is completely another.

Teaching members to DOUBT THEIR DOUBTS is destructive. Doubt is an instinctive mechanism to protect you. Again, truth can withstand questioning.

Worthiness/good-enough mentality is destructive.

Keeping "unworthy" family members from seeing their child/"x" get married is ever so cruelly destructive.

Making the bride and groom feel like they could ONLY have a temple marriage to be considered stalwart members and good enough in the sight of God.

I could go on and on.

Are there members who go their entire life oblivious of any problems? Sure. They are taught that unhappy people bring it upon themselves because of poor choices and “not living the gospel standards,” the Church is just the messenger, and it’s the unworthy people that don’t like the message. They are well-trained to look the other way…and to put things on a shelf if they have to.

Twin Falls Temple Image Credit: holdmanstudios dot com

My Letter of Resignation from the LDS Church and Worthiness Interviews with Children

October 28, 2014

Member Records Division, LDS Church

50 E North Temple, Room 1372

SLC UT 84150-5310 

This letter is my formal resignation from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and it is effective immediately. Please remove the following name permanently and completely from the membership rolls of the church: 

[my name]

DOB: [   ]

Record Number [   ]

Also, waive the 30-day waiting/holding period. I am aware that the Church handbook says that resignations cancel the effects of baptism and suspends temple sealings and blessings. I continue to hold my baptism dear and reverently, but that is between God and me. I do not need the LDS Church’s recognition of it.

The LDS Church, as an entity, is neither kind nor honest.

There is to be no formal church contact/“fellowshipping”/missionary work with me. I still care for my LDS neighbors and hope to socialize and contribute in real service projects together.

The following isn’t the reason for leaving, but in case I have an audience, please, if you care at all about children and respect them, stop the one-on-one “worthiness” interviews with them. It is inappropriate for adults to be alone with other people’s children behind closed doors. And it’s even more inappropriate for those adults to ask personal questions to the children/youth (children often leave mortified). There is a reason why there is mandatory two-deep personages in the BSA, doctor’s offices, and schools, etc.: there are predators everywhere who take advantage of children. The LDS Church is no exception. One-on-one interviews give opportunity for ecclesiastical abuses, intimidation, and manipulation (whether intentional or unintentional) especially in the LDS church where children are indoctrinated to never say no to a leader, that he is the mouth-piece for God, and will never lead anyone astray. The church protects priesthood leaders more than they protect children.

I look forward to the final termination/confirmation letter from your offices.

Please send to:  [my address]

Most seriously,

________________________________

As of October 31, 2014, I legally was no longer a member of the LDS Church. It took a little longer for the Church to complete their own paperwork, but once they receive my letter in the mail, it was final. This website for the name removal process was very helpful: Mormon No More

When the items you have dutifully "put on a shelf" until you can ask about them in the afterlife become too heavy, when the cognitive dissonance causes you to ignore your own intuition and intelligence, and when you realize that your doubts shouldn't be doubted because they are actually forms of personal protection, please give yourself permission to read the objective information at mormonthink.com and cesletter.com  These are sites that will take LDS Church topics (current and past) and objectively look at both sides with verifiable resources (including Church resources).

From mormonthink.com home page:
"MormonThink is concerned with truth. As such, we attempt to correct misinformation about the LDS Church made by critics and defenders of the faith (including the Church itself). We present a range of perspectives and viewpoints, privileging those we believe are the most accurate, consistent and empirically valid."

The Community of Christ (formerly the Reformed LDS Church) shares the same founding history as the mainstream LDS Church, but their approach to the information found on these websites is vastly different. They embrace their history instead of trying to hide it or whitewash it or bully those who question it. They feel no need to dissolve their church. Rather, they take the good of it and make it better through their honesty.

Photo Credit: edenwithin.wordpress.com

My Reply to My Stake President, 1:1 Worthiness Interviews with Children Inappropriate, Modesty

Out of concern, my stake president wrote a letter inviting me back to church, strengthening my testimony, and a couple of other items involving the LGBTQ+ community. This was my reply:

April 1, 2014

Dear Pres. Jones,

Thank you for your thoughtful letter of concern. I want to reassure you that my faith in Christ is intact. I do continue to go to church; when it's not at my ward, it’s the Community Presbyterian Church where my parents attend. [They] have what I need at this time and those are peace and the simplicity of Jesus’s example, teachings, and God’s message of love. I also enjoy sitting in church with my parents and listening to them sing. I still love the people in my ward and enjoy their company. 

Am I carrying heavy burdens? Yes, you are correct, but it’s not for the reasons you listed. (I wish it was that simple). I don’t struggle with any of the questions except for number four.

Although I support the Church’s right to not perform same-gender marriages, I was very disappointed that they filed a friend-of-the-court-brief against the rights of gay couples. I believe gay couples and their children are human beings, too, and deserve respect and protection. Keeping them from marrying will not make them straight (it’s not a choice) and suddenly single. And, I don’t believe any church should force their religion onto others. Gay people have a civil right to choose to not spend a lifetime alone. I’m pro-commitment, pro-monogamy, pro-chastity, pro-dignity. I am sad about alarmist groups such as Utah Eagle Forum and Sutherland Institute who claim to be LDS members but use misinformation and fear to persuade.

More areas of concern other than LGBT+ issues have manifested themselves to me, and I'm still processing them in my head. I wasn’t going to bring them up because I feel like I’ve used all my “please hear me” cards. Plus, I’ve lost hope that anything will change. But I’ll mention them now as a response to your invitational letter.

I didn’t give this next topic much thought at all until last December when my oldest son (14) had his interview. [My husband] and I had always agreed it would be our personal policy to never allow our kids to be alone with leaders. We decided this before having children while listening to the news about the rampant molestations by Catholic priests. Our decision was never a reflection of our distrust of any leader in particular; it was just our policy.

After my son’s interview where [husband] attended also, it came to my attention that one of the questions routinely asked is some sort of version of (excuse me for saying this), “Do you self-gratify/M[masturbate]/self-abuse?” I was floored that such a question would be asked. Let me say though as a support to [our bishop], if he felt he had to ask, he did it in one of the more respectful ways. He asked [my son], “Do you have a problem touching yourself inappropriately?” I appreciate his discretion. I'm not complaining about Bishop [   ] at all (he was just doing what he thought he was supposed to do).

So two questions arose from this: 1, Is it okay for church leaders to be alone behind closed doors with other people’s children? and 2, Should leaders be allowed to ask personal questions to children?

Unless the child requests on his or her own to have a 1:1 meeting with a leader, a leader should never, ever be alone with someone else’s child. That is inappropriate. There are reasons why rules exist about doctors and school faculty not being alone with others' children. Even the Boy Scouts of America has a two-deep policy. For the sake of the children, the Church needs to implement a policy that parents attend during these meetings.

If the 1:1 policy is to facilitate privacy for a child’s confession or repentance, I say, again, that should only happen if the child him or herself requests the meeting. 

Which brings me to my next question about leaders asking personal questions:

No, they should not. Leaders may teach about the positives of chastity and morality and then leave it to the child to govern themselves and trust the parents to instill these values. It is none of the leader’s business to ask if the child/youth has done this or that. How will a leader know if the child is good enough to go to the temple? They’ll have to give that one to God. Asking such personal questions is ensnaring a confession. Confessions and repentances are more valuable when freely given.

There is something very, very wrong with an “old dude” being behind closed doors and asking a child/youth if he or she self-gratifies, makes out, etc. I discovered there’s actually a support group for adults who had devastating experiences with their LDS leaders during these interviews. Even if their answers had been, “No,” just the fact that they were being asked was creepy and mortifying. And for those who happened to say yes to self-gratification (not knowing it was discouraged), the results were that of shame and humiliation. Sometimes the questions would continue with, “What were you wearing? What were you thinking about?” etc.

Many people have never had a problem during their interviews, and that’s great. But we must ere on the side of caution. Would Christ approve of putting children/youth in vulnerable, intimidating situations which could potentially shame and humiliate them, thus possibly turning them away from His church as a result? He would not approve. I’ve learned from a bishop-friend that those questions are not required. He also agrees that leaders need to stop being alone with others’ children; it’s potential for disaster. Having a parent there not only protects the kids but also protects the leaders. 

I don’t have it in me right now to take this issue on and raise awareness. It hurts to not do anything about it, though, and think how kids around the world will have to endure this because of my silence. (Am I Jonah sitting inside the big fish while saying, "No! I don't want to be the messenger!) 

Next topic I'm processing in my head: Last month I read Elder Callister’s BYU-I devotional printed in March’s Ensign. There’s a paragraph targeted at girls and women. I’m not even going to get into it right now, but it illustrates a common, damaging message I hear being taught: If a boy is unchaste, it must be the girl’s fault and that it’s okay to judge and be disrespectful to females you don’t think are modest-enough.  I added this to my kids’ Gospel Standards poster after the “I will dress modestly” part, “and I will not judge others who don’t dress modestly and will still show them respect.” There are valid reasons to support morality without shaming nor blaming. I need to figure out how to teach my daughter to navigate through these [negative] messages so she is raised with confidence.

Oh, my, this letter is becoming way too long. I’m so tired of talking about things. I’ve even pulled away from Facebook (Mormons Building Bridges, support groups including one I started for LDS moms of LGBT+ kids) because I’ve reached my max of heartache right now. I’m not having a faith-crisis, Pres. Jones, I’m having a what-the-heck-is-wrong-with-people crisis. 

I’ve put other people first for so long without attaching my "oxygen mask," am overwhelmed, and now need to focus on my own mental and physical health.  I do hope to be a positive example to my children. I hope they learn from me to stand up for what’s right even when scary and unpopular. I want them to learn that there is a time to say, “No,” and that they have a voice and a choice. I want them to learn to trust the Spirit above man. I want them to learn to not let go of Christ when times are tough and that He’s everywhere. I want them to know that Jesus knows them and their heart and that they are doing their best.

Thank you, again, for reaching out.