April 1, 2014
Dear Pres. Jones,
Thank you for your thoughtful letter of concern. I want to reassure you that my faith in Christ is intact. I do continue to go to church; when it's not at my ward, it’s the Community Presbyterian Church where my parents attend. [They] have what I need at this time and those are peace and the simplicity of Jesus’s example, teachings, and God’s message of love. I also enjoy sitting in church with my parents and listening to them sing. I still love the people in my ward and enjoy their company.
Am I carrying heavy burdens? Yes, you are correct, but it’s not for the reasons you listed. (I wish it was that simple). I don’t struggle with any of the questions except for number four.
Although I support the Church’s right to not perform same-gender marriages, I was very disappointed that they filed a friend-of-the-court-brief against the rights of gay couples. I believe gay couples and their children are human beings, too, and deserve respect and protection. Keeping them from marrying will not make them straight (it’s not a choice) and suddenly single. And, I don’t believe any church should force their religion onto others. Gay people have a civil right to choose to not spend a lifetime alone. I’m pro-commitment, pro-monogamy, pro-chastity, pro-dignity. I am sad about alarmist groups such as Utah Eagle Forum and Sutherland Institute who claim to be LDS members but use misinformation and fear to persuade.
More areas of concern other than LGBT+ issues have manifested themselves to me, and I'm still processing them in my head. I wasn’t going to bring them up because I feel like I’ve used all my “please hear me” cards. Plus, I’ve lost hope that anything will change. But I’ll mention them now as a response to your invitational letter.
I didn’t give this next topic much thought at all until last December when my oldest son (14) had his interview. [My husband] and I had always agreed it would be our personal policy to never allow our kids to be alone with leaders. We decided this before having children while listening to the news about the rampant molestations by Catholic priests. Our decision was never a reflection of our distrust of any leader in particular; it was just our policy.
After my son’s interview where [husband] attended also, it came to my attention that one of the questions routinely asked is some sort of version of (excuse me for saying this), “Do you self-gratify/M[masturbate]/self-abuse?” I was floored that such a question would be asked. Let me say though as a support to [our bishop], if he felt he had to ask, he did it in one of the more respectful ways. He asked [my son], “Do you have a problem touching yourself inappropriately?” I appreciate his discretion. I'm not complaining about Bishop [ ] at all (he was just doing what he thought he was supposed to do).
So two questions arose from this: 1, Is it okay for church leaders to be alone behind closed doors with other people’s children? and 2, Should leaders be allowed to ask personal questions to children?
Unless the child requests on his or her own to have a 1:1 meeting with a leader, a leader should never, ever be alone with someone else’s child. That is inappropriate. There are reasons why rules exist about doctors and school faculty not being alone with others' children. Even the Boy Scouts of America has a two-deep policy. For the sake of the children, the Church needs to implement a policy that parents attend during these meetings.
If the 1:1 policy is to facilitate privacy for a child’s confession or repentance, I say, again, that should only happen if the child him or herself requests the meeting.
Which brings me to my next question about leaders asking personal questions:
No, they should not. Leaders may teach about the positives of chastity and morality and then leave it to the child to govern themselves and trust the parents to instill these values. It is none of the leader’s business to ask if the child/youth has done this or that. How will a leader know if the child is good enough to go to the temple? They’ll have to give that one to God. Asking such personal questions is ensnaring a confession. Confessions and repentances are more valuable when freely given.
There is something very, very wrong with an “old dude” being behind closed doors and asking a child/youth if he or she self-gratifies, makes out, etc. I discovered there’s actually a support group for adults who had devastating experiences with their LDS leaders during these interviews. Even if their answers had been, “No,” just the fact that they were being asked was creepy and mortifying. And for those who happened to say yes to self-gratification (not knowing it was discouraged), the results were that of shame and humiliation. Sometimes the questions would continue with, “What were you wearing? What were you thinking about?” etc.
Many people have never had a problem during their interviews, and that’s great. But we must ere on the side of caution. Would Christ approve of putting children/youth in vulnerable, intimidating situations which could potentially shame and humiliate them, thus possibly turning them away from His church as a result? He would not approve. I’ve learned from a bishop-friend that those questions are not required. He also agrees that leaders need to stop being alone with others’ children; it’s potential for disaster. Having a parent there not only protects the kids but also protects the leaders.
I don’t have it in me right now to take this issue on and raise awareness. It hurts to not do anything about it, though, and think how kids around the world will have to endure this because of my silence. (Am I Jonah sitting inside the big fish while saying, "No! I don't want to be the messenger!)
Next topic I'm processing in my head: Last month I read Elder Callister’s BYU-I devotional printed in March’s Ensign. There’s a paragraph targeted at girls and women. I’m not even going to get into it right now, but it illustrates a common, damaging message I hear being taught: If a boy is unchaste, it must be the girl’s fault and that it’s okay to judge and be disrespectful to females you don’t think are modest-enough. I added this to my kids’ Gospel Standards poster after the “I will dress modestly” part, “and I will not judge others who don’t dress modestly and will still show them respect.” There are valid reasons to support morality without shaming nor blaming. I need to figure out how to teach my daughter to navigate through these [negative] messages so she is raised with confidence.
Oh, my, this letter is becoming way too long. I’m so tired of talking about things. I’ve even pulled away from Facebook (Mormons Building Bridges, support groups including one I started for LDS moms of LGBT+ kids) because I’ve reached my max of heartache right now. I’m not having a faith-crisis, Pres. Jones, I’m having a what-the-heck-is-wrong-with-
I’ve put other people first for so long without attaching my "oxygen mask," am overwhelmed, and now need to focus on my own mental and physical health. I do hope to be a positive example to my children. I hope they learn from me to stand up for what’s right even when scary and unpopular. I want them to learn that there is a time to say, “No,” and that they have a voice and a choice. I want them to learn to trust the Spirit above man. I want them to learn to not let go of Christ when times are tough and that He’s everywhere. I want them to know that Jesus knows them and their heart and that they are doing their best.
Thank you, again, for reaching out.
